Coping with feelings

• Write down all of your worries in a big list
• Categorise them into four sections:
  • Things that are never going to happen or are very unlikely to happen – for example, a meteorite falling on your house, thinking that you will get the same condition as your brother or sister
  • Things you don’t like but you cannot change and other people cannot change either like the weather, your brother or sister’s disability, your own parent getting older
  • Things that can be sorted out by other people or organisations – such as asking a psychologist to check on your brother or sister’s mental health, getting your parent to go for a check up
  • Things that you can take personal action on, like looking for support services online or visiting a care home

You can download this as a worry worksheet from page 16 of our eBook ‘Self-care for siblings’

1. Things that you can change: Choose one thing off the list and plan a time in your calendar to do something about it, even if this is just one small step towards it. Knowing that you have set aside the time to look at it can help to reduce your worry about it.
2. Things that can be sorted out by other people: This often still takes time and effort on your part, as you contact people to ask for their support or action. However, think broadly about your support network as there might be indirect tasks others can help with. For example, can a friend do the school pick up on Thursdays so you can phone your brother from a quiet house?
3. Things you don’t like but cannot change and things that are never going to happen or are very unlikely to happen: There are a number of ways you can approach these worries. Some siblings find it helpful to come to a support group and share with others. Some siblings have counselling and others process their feelings through daily journalling, art or exercise/sport. Others find that their worry needs a distraction, and they get absorbed in something else to take their mind off it. Whilst these things don’t change the situation itself, they can change how you feel about it and may reduce your worry.

“Try to be kind to yourself if you’re struggling – you’ve probably been through a lot maybe that’s just been hard. (I think as sibs we may sometimes beat ourselves up that we’re expected to just cope.)” – Adult sibling

1. Take things slowly as you practice with different ways of alleviating your worries.
2. Make a note of what works and what doesn’t and adjust your approach as you go. Share your coping strategies and experiences at your sibling support group if you’re part of one.
3. Look after yourself, and if you find that worry is becoming a pervasive part of your life and feels more like a mental health problem, book a GP appointment to talk about this further. You deserve support and you deserve to live a good life. Read more from Mind: ‘When is anxiety a mental health problem?’

“I was largely unaware of my need for therapeutic help/clarity about my situation as I’ve grown up thinking that this is how things have always been – I’ve always ‘accepted’ it, it’s just ‘normal’ to me – but I went to counselling for general anxiety and it really did help me to make sense of my family situation and how it had affected me” – Adult sibling

Example: “My parents visit my brother in the care home every day. They make comments that I don’t visit that frequently and I feel guilty”

1. Re-affirm what values are important to
   “Yes, family is important to me – and so is looking after myself. When I have tried to visit my brother every day, I’ve become exhausted and resentful.”
2. Re-assess the situation so that it feels more in line with your
   “I don’t want to hate my brother, I want to enjoy spending time with him. When I visit fortnightly we both have a better time, because I have had time to myself and I have more stories to share with him too. Knowing that going fortnightly is better for our relationship in the long-term helps me to feel less guilty.”
3. If needed, practice boundary setting and saying ‘no’. Remember that when you say ‘no’ to one thing (e.g. visiting daily), it’s so you can say ‘yes’ to something else (e.g. a happier, healthier, longer-term relationship with your brother).
   “When I get push-back from my parents, I stick to my schedule and I remind myself of my reasons. It’s not easy – the guilt does come up again – but the more I practice, the more it reduces.”
   • Read more about assertiveness and boundary setting on pages 14-17 of our guide ‘Talking to parents’(the strategies relate to assertiveness in conversations with parents but can be applied to other areas too)
   • Read advice from other siblings on boundary setting

This process isn’t easy as a sibling, because you’ve likely spent a lifetime coming second (or third, or fourth…) to the needs of another and may not even be sure what it is that you truly want.

It’s also unlikely to be a quick or one-off process but will be something you continually work on and come back to. You might want to talk about this at a sibling support group, write in a journal, or see a counsellor to discuss it in more depth.

Example: “I don’t invite my sister to large family events, because it’s a lot to organise. My sister needs 1 to 1 care and I want to spend the time catching up with family members I haven’t seen for a long time. I feel guilty about this because family is an important value to me, and I want her to be included.”

1. Firstly, double check that the situation does relate to your own values and not someone else’s. As siblings, we’re subject to a lot of different messages from adults growing up and can sometimes internalise them and take them on as our own.
2. Ask yourself more questions about why this value is important to you. The more you understand it, the more you can think about your boundaries and how much or how little you’re prepared to do, in order to live by this value.
   “I want my sister to enjoy and have a connection with our aunts, just as I do. I want her to feel like she belongs, just as I do. I think some of this value actually comes down to me wanting my sister to have equal access to the family life that I have, not just the family life itself.”
3. Set some time aside to think about practical solutions. How can you live in line with your values, in a way that maintains your health and reduces your guilt? What other options might work that you haven’t considered yet?
   “After talking with other family members, we came up with a plan. My sister would come to the summer get-together, with a support worker, so the weight is off me a little. It’s a lot to plan – but I enjoy seeing her enjoy it too. In the winter, I plan a much smaller get together with just a few close family that I see regularly, so I don’t feel like I need to catch up as much but I still feel like my sister has that equal access. There are a couple of other gatherings in the year, usually for birthdays, but instead of coming to them, two of our aunts have said they’ll spend time with my sister separately so that she still gets that contact. I feel less guilty going forward, as we have a more manageable plan in place now. It won’t be perfect, but it’s better”

Example: “I absolutely hate my sister’s behaviour, it drives me up the wall. I get so frustrated, I feel like I just never want to see her again in my life. Then I feel guilty for thinking something like that, because I know she can’t help it, and I’m the one who is supposed to be more accommodating.”

1. Siblings experience a wide range of thoughts and feelings about their disabled brothers and sisters. Whether they’re positive, negative, or something in between – they’re valid. You’re allowed to feel how you feel, whatever that is. Think to yourself (or write it down, or say it out loud): “As a sibling, all my feelings are valid.”
2. Dig deeper. Ask yourself: “What is behind this feeling?”
   “I realised that when I thought ‘I never want to see my sister again in my life’, it was my way of expressing ‘I want to escape her behaviour’ – and then I realised that those are two different things.”
3. Be a compassionate friend to yourself. What would you say to another sibling in the same situation?
   “I’d say that your sister’s behaviour seems really tough to deal with, and it’s relentless at times – why wouldn’t you want to escape it?”
4. Take action. What is within your control that could improve things for you?
   “My sister is still on a waiting list for more support for her behaviour. In the meantime – I’m going running. I run for about half an hour, three times a week whilst my sister is asleep. I run as fast and as angrily as I can, and I let myself have all my frustrated thoughts about how I’m so sick of living with her and I can’t stand that thing she did yesterday. It’s made a world of difference. Getting it out through the running, rather than trying to squash it and deny it, has helped me cope. Things are still hard, and I need them to change in the long term, but I do have an outlet now, and I no longer feel guilty about feeling negative towards her. Anyone would have those feelings in my situation.”

Survivor’s guilt might be:

• Historic: “I feel guilty that my brother grew up in an institution, while me and my sister had a ‘normal’ upbringing at home.”
• Current: “I feel guilty that I have the freedom to drive a car and go wherever I want, because my sister can’t do that.”
• About the future: “My brother has a life-limiting condition and won’t live beyond his 30s. I feel guilty that I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and he doesn’t.”

Here are some ways of managing survivor’s guilt:

1. Recognise your intentions. At the root of this, all you want is for things to be fair. Children who grow up with siblings learn to share things – their favourite toys, their treats, their time with parents. As an adult, you’re probably still aching to do that with all the other things you have – your health, your intelligence, your experiences. Whilst we can’t change the fact that our health isn’t sharable, we can let ourselves acknowledge that this is truly what is behind survivor’s guilt – a desire for fairness and equality.
2. Reframe how you view things. Try and step outside of the situation and gently question it as an observer. Quite often with survivor’s guilt there’s a sense that we could have acted differently. But we can’t help that we ‘survived’, we can’t help that we weren’t born with the same condition as our brother or sister. Questions to reflect might be: Is there anything that I could have done about that? Did I do the best that I could, with the resources and the knowledge that I had, at that time? Would others have responded a similar way in my situation? Some siblings find it helpful to take that observer role further and write a compassionate letter to themselves.
3. Ask yourself: ‘Who benefits?’ Sometimes when we want to do something our brother/sister can’t, we stop ourselves. Not out of practical reasons (e.g. “I have no one to care for my brother this evening”) but for reasons of guilt (e.g. “I feel guilty if I go to the cinema with friends and have a good time, because my brother can’t enjoy that activity”). But who benefits when we do that? If you don’t enjoy a night at the cinema with friends, does that enjoyment transfer to your brother? Do you, or your brother benefit, when you keep your life small? Or do you feel more replenished, and in a better place to continue having a relationship with your brother?

Challenging survivor’s guilt is not a one-off event. It’s a process that takes time, practice and compassion. Be as kind to yourself as you can as you work through this. Many siblings find counselling helps them process survivor’s guilt too.

As siblings, we may not have grown up with people around us who really understand our anger. Non-siblings often find it hard to relate to our experiences, and a well-meaning comment from a friend or colleague can leave us questioning whether our anger about a sibling-related issue is disproportionate to the situation.

Also, many siblings have spent a lifetime coming second (or third, or fourth…) to the needs of another and may have become accustomed to reducing their feelings or hiding them all together.

Firstly, think to yourself (or write down) ‘I’m allowed to feel angry about this’. This can be a powerful step.

Connect with other siblings who will understand at our online sibling support groups and our private Facebook community, #Siblife. Your feelings will be heard and validated – other people there will feel angry about the same kinds of things that you do.

Try and add some time and space between your reaction and your next step.

Here are some options:

• Try and take yourself out of the situation, even if it’s just for a few minutes
• Focus on breathing slowly and deeply
• Distract yourself (e.g. count backwards from 500 in 7s).
• Use grounding techniques (e.g. list five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste)
• If it’s safe to, having physical ways to dispel anger can help – go for a run, do some push ups, throw a ball against a wall, hit a cushion

Mind, the mental health charity, has lots more practical ways to cope with anger in the moment.

Channel the anger into action with your next step.

1. Try and focus on what you want to achieve, and keep your words or actions focused on that outcome. If you’re going into a meeting, rehearse what you need to say. If you’re writing a letter, ask someone else to proofread it for you to give you another perspective. This can help you stay on track.
2. Working on communication skills in assertiveness and boundary setting can help you achieve the outcome you want.
   • Read more about assertiveness and boundary setting on pages 14-17 of our guide ‘Talking to parents’(the strategies relate to assertiveness in conversations with parents but can be applied to other areas too)
   • Read advice from other siblings on boundary setting
     

1. If you feel anger is becoming a pattern and it’s not helpful for you, do an anger audit when you’re feeling calmer. What happened before and after you felt angry? How did you respond in the immediate moment that you felt angry? Try and look for patterns and triggers, so that you can minimise these.
2. Look after yourself and try reducing your stress levels generally, as stress can heighten anger.
   • Try and stay active, eat well and prioritise sleep
   • Experiment with meditation, mindfulness and relaxation. Apps like Headspace and Calm can help
   • Read our eBook ‘Self-Care for Siblings’
   • Try this 10 minute guided relaxation for adult siblings by Sara Starling Voice Over

The charity Mind has lots more ways to help you manage anger long-term.

If you feel like anger is controlling your life and holding you back, you may need more support with this. Read advice from Mind on treatment options and contact your GP to discuss what support is available in your local area.

There is no way around sadness and grief – you have to go through it. Acknowledge your feelings of sorrow and loss if and when you feel them. Remember that it is OK to feel sad about certain aspects of your relationship with your brother or sister, and it does not mean that you don’t love and value them.

If you’re always busy and don’t let yourself think about what makes you feel sad, you won’t confront the feelings and you won’t process them. When you don’t process your feelings, they don’t disappear – they come out in other places. Make sure you give yourself some time and space to deal with your feelings, and that you don’t rush yourself.

Channelling your sadness is about finding a way of ‘speaking it’ without using words. It’s not about trying to distract yourself from it or squash it further down, it’s about giving you another language for it because it can be so hard to explain at times.

Different things work for different people. Things to try:

• Spend time in nature. Go for a weekly walk in the park (even when it’s raining), grow a small plant on your windowsill, or if you can, volunteer at a community allotment with others.
• Start creating. Let yourself doodle on the back of receipts, create a YouTube playlist of meaningful songs, write poems, raps or stories
• Use your body. Dance to energetic tracks, do slow yoga (look for free videos online), play one-on-one basketball with a friend or join a team
  

Whilst you can’t change the past, you can change how you feel about it. If the sadness you’re feeling is chronic or is preventing you from living your day-to-day life, you may need extra help from a counsellor or therapist with this. Find out more about how to find a counsellor.

Exploring the sibling experience further can help validate your feelings:

• Read about shared experiences of adult siblings
• eBook ‘Self-care for siblings’ – includes self-care tips and worksheets
• Festival and holidays can heighten emotions. Read about how to cope with festivities
• It’s common for siblings to experience loneliness
• Am I a sibling carer? The definition may be wider than you think
• If your brother or sister has been abused, this may have impacted you too. Read about dealing with trauma after abuse
  

Remember that you’re not alone in how you feel:

• Join a sibling support group and meet others who just ‘get’ what sibling feelings are like
• Chat with other siblings at any time on our private Facebook community #Siblife
• Keep in touch with the Sibs on Facebook, Instagram, Bluesky, LinkedIn, Twitter, and through our monthly email newsletter

If you’re not ready to meet other siblings, another way to feel connected is to read their stories:

• Browse our adult sibling stories and use the filters to find ones on topics that you need
• Read ‘Autism: The Sibling Perspective’ – a collection that’s relatable to many siblings because of the feelings shared
  

These siblings share what helps them manage their feelings:

• Pam: “I believe that visual art, along with other art forms, can convey difficult to articulate feelings and emotions”
• Olivia – “My mother and I had joint counselling. I’d recommend it”
• National adult sibling support group: “Guilt is nothing to feel guilty about. Give yourself a break!”
• Diane: “I feel guilty for having my own life”
• Prakash: “As an adult sibling carer to Mira and Prasad their health is a constant worry to me.”
• Victoria: “Writing is a powerful tool for coming to terms with your feelings”
• Shamini: Spoken word poetry, ‘Risk Assessment: High’

“I personally journal daily and find it a hugely helpful exercise to manage my moods and feelings on a day-to-day basis.” – Adult sibling

• Book a GP appointment and talk about how you are feeling. You deserve to get the support you need
• Thinking about counselling? Read our advice here
• Search for local mental health support on the Hub of Hope website
• For more on mental health, including advice on improving your sleep, dealing with stress and anxiety, boosting your mood and feeling more in control visit the NHS Every Mind Matters website
  

You are not alone – reach out for support:

• To talk about anything that is troubling you, call Samaritans on 116 123 any time of day or night or email [email protected]
• Prefer to text? Use the ‘Give us a shout’ text service. Text ‘Shout’ to 85258 to talk about your feelings, at any time of day or night
• CALM (for men). Phone line 0800 58 58 58, open 5pm – midnight. Webchat service here