FAQ - Worries about the future

No. You have no legal responsibility to care for your brother. It is your decision whether you become involved in his care or not.
Some siblings feel that the role of keeping an eye on their brother or sister is automatically left to them, upon the death of parents. Siblings may find themselves changing jobs or moving house, in order to live closer to their brother or sister. It’s important to know that you do have a choice in the level of involvement that you have. Some siblings may choose to become very involved with their brother or sister’s care, and others may choose not to – and there are many different levels of involvement in between. You have no obligation to have any contact with your brother if you don’t want to. Your relationship with your brother is yours alone – no one can tell you what is right for you both.

No. As a sibling, you have no obligation to pay for your sister’s care. The local authority has a duty to assess your sister’s care needs, and to put support in place if she is eligible to receive it. They will only assess her finances – not yours.

Planning for the future can feel like an overwhelming topic for siblings. Write down all your concerns and all your wishes. What would you like for your brother in the future? How much involvement would you like in his life and in what ways would you like to have this? You don’t have to have definite answers – you just have to give yourself space to think about it. Talk to your brother (if appropriate), your parent(s), a trusted friend, do research online or seek counselling.

There’s a really useful guide called Thinking Ahead: A Planning Guide for Families. This downloadable resource available from Together Matters, covers all aspects of future care in manageable chunks. There’s also a version for your brother to use if he is able to, called I’m thinking ahead. Whilst this guide is aimed at families of someone with a learning disability, many others may find it helpful too.

No. Legal permissions don’t pass from one person to another. If you want to become your brother’s power of attorney, you need to apply for it separately.

Read more about legal permissions in our guide on Decision-making.

If your sister is still living with your dad – and always has done – it may be very difficult for him to imagine a time when she will not be there. It’s a really tough topic to address. Approaches you can try are:

1. Little and often. There is a lot to consider with future care so break it down into small chunks. For example, ask your dad one question per week. Take care over the time, place and way that you bring up the topic. Change takes time. Try this over the course of a year.
2. Come back to it at a later date. If you feel the little and often strategy isn’t working, wait a while before raising the topic again. This may feel counter-intuitive and exactly the situation you are trying to avoid – but people take action in their lives for different reasons. It may be easier to engage your dad in a discussion when there has been a change in the situation e.g. your sister’s needs have changed, or your dad’s ability to cope or provide care has changed
3. Identify someone else who can raise the issue. There may be someone else who can start the conversation with your dad – another sibling, another relative or a trusted professional. They may be able to raise the topic whilst you are with your dad or they may be able to persuade your dad to talk to you about it.
   

It’s important to remember that you need to make the best decision for you. If your brother needs more care and support, this needs to be assessed by the local authority. You have no legal responsibility to care for your brother. Staying at home to care for your brother – at the expense of leaving home to follow your own interests – may result in you feeling resentful towards him.

If you choose to go to university, remember that:

1. You can come back and visit. When you do, you will be more likely to spend positive time with your brother and you will have new experiences to share with him
2. You can keep in touch. If your brother isn’t able to keep in touch by phone, email or video calls– send something in the post that you know he will enjoy, such as a photo or a bar of chocolate
3. You can find support. Connect with other siblings at your university, set up a support group and make new friends. You are not alone in feeling this way

Read Holly’s story of moving away to university.

You’re not alone in worrying about this, as many siblings (and their parents) have no one else to turn to in an emergency situation.

Some options are:

• If you and your dad are employed or in education, tell your employer/place of education that you’re both carers for your brother. You’re entitled to time off from work in a caring emergency. Letting your employer/place of education know now that you have these responsibilities could make the conversation about emergency care easier and less stressful if and when it happens
• Contact your local authority and ask for a Carer’s assessment. Tell them specifically that you’d like to look at emergency planning too, as some local authorities have specific services to provide care in emergencies. This gives you the opportunity to discuss whether these would be right for your brother in an emergency situation

You can also start writing down an emergency plan of your own. Your plan doesn’t have to be very complicated, in fact, the clearer the better so that whoever needs it can get to the most important information quickly. Read more about what to include in your emergency plan in our guide on Future Planning.

You’re not alone, as we hear from many siblings who want to lead their own lives. A life that’s centred around what they want and not their brother or sister’s needs. It’s often hard for siblings to live their own lives because:

1. Other people put pressure on them to focus on their brother/sister’s needs (such as parents, other family members, society etc). This might be direct (“You’ll need to take care of your sister when I’m gone”) or indirect (e.g. lots of compliments/praise for being a “good” or “selfless” person when you provide care – or judgment when you don’t).
2. They have never known a life that’s any different. Siblings are often so used to coming second (or third, or fourth…) to the needs of another that it can be very hard for siblings to actually think about what they would choose for themselves if their brother/sister’s needs weren’t a factor.

Here are some key things to remember:

1. You deserve to have a life that you love, because you matter, in your own right.
2. Your relationship with your brother/sister is yours alone – no one can tell you what is right for you both.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Write a list of what you would like for your future. What are the top three things that make you happy?
2. Can you experiment with any of the things on your list? If something on your list is that you’d like more time by yourself, can you start with a daily 10 minute walk around the block? Start small, try things out, and build up from there.
3. Don’t go it alone. Join a sibling support group and our private Facebook community #Siblife.

You’re not alone. This is a huge fear shared by many siblings in similar situations and it can be really difficult to face.

1. Make a list of all your worries. Don’t censor yourself, let everything come out.
2. For each worry, circle the ones that you can control.
3. For each worry that you can control, think about what you can put in place now that might help you to feel a little more reassured about your sister’s future. Use the planning guide below to help you.
4. Recognise that there will be things on your list that you can’t control – much as you desperately want to! You just want your sister to live a safe and happy life. That’s not a lot to ask. If you find yourself worrying excessively, please find a counsellor and seek help with this.

Use planning guides to help:

• Thinking Ahead: A Planning Guide for Families. This downloadable resource available from Together Matters, covers all aspects of future care in manageable chunks. It includes making a plan for emergencies, which might reassure you if you were to become ill very suddenly. There’s also a version for your sister to use if she is able to, called I’m thinking ahead. Whilst this guide is aimed at families of someone with a learning disability, many others may find it helpful too.