Where am I? Almost 2 years on – that is a good question and it feels like it is very difficult to answer. I really want to write this update and tell a story of everything being great – that I am back to doing the things I love. The reality is that I feel bewildered and disorientated, there is so much going on in the world at the moment.
I desperately want my brother to be able to reclaim aspects of his life, including the therapies that he desperately needs, but Covid is still preventing this. Covid is still a very real threat for my family. My brother doesn’t understand and he can’t wear a mask, so it would be incredibly difficult to keep him safe if we were to venture anywhere indoors.
In December 2020 I said “daily life in a bubble with a shielding brother is really tough” and that hasn’t changed, it feels tougher if anything. I still feel that kaleidoscope of thoughts, feelings and experiences – I think perhaps a rollercoaster feels like a more accurate metaphor now. It isn’t pretty like a kaleidoscope, rather it leaves me feeling a familiar “sick with worry”. My feelings of disconnection are amplified, more than ever now – I feel like people are moving on, and fast, right before my eyes. I want to catch up and be with others, but with masks off and cases rising it just doesn’t feel safe. I miss being in the same physical spaces as friends so much, I really yearn for the day when I can feel safe enough to do this again. I meet friends outside, but these often shorter connections in open spaces just aren’t the same.
I’ve not lost hope, but I am so very fed up. Connecting with other siblings who just ‘get it’ has kept me going and continues to do so – thank you Sibs!
All names have been changed.