Siblings under 6

Parents may worry about how these behaviours affect their younger siblings, particularly when they start copying their older brother or sisters’ behaviours or misunderstanding it.   It can be hard for parents to balance all their children’s needs, and it’s completely normal to feel pulled in different directions.

Younger children often need clear, simple explanations, alongside extra emotional support.  This can help them feel secure and understand their disabled brother or sister in a way that makes sense to them.

Juggling need

Families might find it especially difficult to juggle their time, energy and emotional resources to meet the needs of each of their children who may present very differently.  This can cause friction between children, whether or not they have a disability, and even if they share a diagnosis.

It can also make mental health problems for some parents worse.  If this is the case support can be found here:  Parenting and mental health.

How might very young siblings experience family life?

• They might receive less time and attention from parents/carers or resent changes in plans to meet their sibling’s needs.
• They might feel overlooked or jealous of a disabled or unwell child.
• If parents are frequently absent because of appointments or hospital stays this can cause anxiety or jealousy.
• They might imitate the behaviour of a disabled brother or sister
• They might struggle to understand why their brother or sister has different needs or is subject to different expectations to them and feel anxious or unfairly treated.

Imitating behaviour of a disabled child

Children learn how to do things by copying close family members and friends. Most children tend to imitate the behaviour of older brothers and sisters, regardless of whether their brother or sister has a disability. This is a natural part of growing up.

Parents might be worried or concerned if their younger child starts to copy behaviours that might not be right for their age or not seen as acceptable to the outside world. Most of the time, toddlers copy behaviours to learn about the world around them. This might also include the behaviours of their disabled brother or sister that they’ve noticed get them more attention.

For a child still developing their understanding of the world, this can feel like a way to connect or be noticed.  It may indicate that the sibling is looking for reassurance or more time with you.  They may think that copying their disabled brother or sister will help them get this.

Some of the things you can do to encourage the behaviour you would prefer are:

• Make sure you model the way you want the sibling to behave or communicate.
• Say to the sibling ‘Your brother bangs his head because words are hard for him; when you are upset you can use your words to tell me”.
• Reward the behaviours you would like to see more of from the sibling child.
• Keep a note of the times when ‘copying’ happens. You may notice a pattern and be able to identify things you can change; or you may notice that it doesn’t happen that often, it’s just that when it does it tends to be at more stressful times. This can be when you’re trying to get the children to bed, sit down for dinner or get to school.

How can we support very young siblings?

The early years are a crucial time in a child’s development, as they begin to form their sense of self and identity.  When much of the family’s attention is focused on the needs of a child with a disability, it can be difficult for siblings to understand where they fit in. This can sometimes leave them feeling overlooked, confused, or unsure of their role within the family.

It’s important to help your child feel seen, heard, and valued just as much as their brother or sister. Reassuring them that they are equally important and that their feelings matter can go a long way in building trust and emotional security.

Here are some things you can do to support them:

• Try to limit the amount of care and responsibility the young sibling has for their brother or sister. Put some boundaries in place to protect them.  If they want to help, give small, age-appropriate jobs. Let them feel proud of their role, not see it as a burden.
• Try and limit what your sibling child can overhear about the needs of your disabled child. They will be listening, picking up on your words and will reflect your style and worries.  You will be the most significant influence on the way your sibling child reacts to and speaks about their disabled brother or sister.
• Tell nursery, childminders and school that your child has a disabled brother or sister and how this affects family life and your sibling child.
• Share some advice with these carers about how to talk about the disabled sibling and ask them to let you know how your child responds.
• Encourage friends, Aunties, family, cousins and Nannas to ask your sibling child about themselves. Not only about how their brother or sister are.
• Find ways of spending 1 on 1 time with your sibling child, even short moments can help them feel valued and secure. If possible, try and get help from these friends, family and community. This will help your sibling child build important networks.
• We recognize this isn’t always possible and it can be hard to find someone to ask in the moment.
• Young children express their feelings best through play, drawing and storytelling, try to offer different opportunities for your sibling child to talk to you.

Simple, Honest Explanations

Very young children will not need complex information about disability some simple, honest phrases might help until they are ready for more detailed information.
Explain their brother or sister’s disability in simple, concrete terms:

“Your brother’s brain works differently, so he learns in a different way.”

“Your sister needs help to walk, but she loves playing just like you.”

A new baby with additional needs

When babies are born prematurely, or with health needs or a new diagnosis, this creates high levels of stress, worry and emotional upheaval for families.  Siblings often feel this stress and worry too.  They need support to help them understand what is happening in the family and to feel reassured, included and safe.

The experience can be made easier for siblings if they feel they understand some of what is happening and why. Explaining the reasons for the extra activity and attention on their new brother or sister can help, along with gentle reminders of how much they are also loved and cherished.

Things that can really help

Spend individual time each day with your sibling child to focus on their needs. This might involve playing a game together, reading a book or listening to songs. Time set aside each day will help reassure siblings that they are special too.

• Keep familiar routines wherever possible as this will help with a sense of safety and reassurance when other parts of their life might be feeling uncertain. Family members might be able to step-in when you’re unable to take your sibling child to their swimming lesson or gym club. Where routines need to be changed explain to your sibling child the reasons for this and acknowledge their disappointment.
• Siblings need age-appropriate information – visit a library together for books about having a brother or sister in hospital.
• Make time on a regular basis to answer questions and talk about any concerns your sibling child might have.
• Help siblings put into words what they might be feeling; confused, sad, worried, or even left out. Let them know it’s ok to feel that way.
• Borrow extra toys from the local toy library.
• If a local charity has an additional needs support toy library, try and borrow some toys that the younger sibling can share or play with their disabled brother or sister.
• Help your sibling child create a scrap book about their brother or sister. They can show this to other family members, Aunties and Nannas and can even take it into schools to show others their new brother or sister. This would also create a good opportunity to show off to their nursery or school the knowledge they will have gained about the different hospital machinery and what they have learned about the staff there.
• Involve them by letting them help in small ways, choosing a toy for the baby, drawing a picture for the hospital room, or reading a story together.
• Inform your child’s teacher about their new brother or sister. Your child might worry about their brother or sister whilst they are at nursery or school and can be supported by their teacher if this happens.
• You could also share some advice with the teachers about how to talk about the new baby and ask them how your child responds.
• Plan fun times for your sibling child and other family members. These might include shopping with Grandma, visiting the park with family friends, having a picnic with Granddad, or a sleepover at a friend’s house.
• Spend time with your sibling child looking through photographs of them as a baby. Talk about how they are the same but also different from their brother or sister. You may want to make a memory box or book to keep special reminders of their brother or sisters first weeks.

Additional ways to help

• Recognising feelings – One of the most important things a parent can do is recognise their sibling child’s feelings especially if they are difficult or negative. See our advice on how to do this here: recognising feelings.
• Take moments for one-to-one time, even short bursts of focused attention can help siblings feel seen and valued. See our advice on giving attention
• A good resource for under 6’s is Young Carers in Bunny Land. Join Honey and her friends on a magical adventure and discover the hardships, challenges and joys of being a young carer. Available free on e-books through Amazon.