Siblings with a disability

What if your sibling child also has a disability or medical need?

Many siblings may also have a disability, health need or a long-term health condition.  Sometimes, these needs are recognised in childhood. Other times, they may go unnoticed or undiagnosed until adulthood. Siblings have told us that their own needs can sometimes be overlooked, especially when their brother or sister require more immediate, complex, or visible support, or if they naturally draw more parental attention.

Some siblings worry about speaking up, fearing they might add more pressure to a family that already feels stretched. They may try to “be strong” or stay quiet so as not to cause additional worry.

“My brother is autistic.  I think I may be autistic too.” Young sibling

“My health needs and problems always felt like they were less important than my sibling’s.” Adult sibling

“they had enough to worry about with my sister without worrying about me too”. Adult sibling

Feelings

Siblings of disabled children often share many common experiences, thoughts, and feelings. For those who have their own additional needs, things can feel even more complicated.

Some siblings may feel guilty for needing support themselves, especially if their needs are different from those of their brother or sister. Others might worry about placing extra pressure on a family that already feels under pressure. This pressure can make it hard for them to show when they’re struggling. They may bottle things up, believing there’s no space for their emotions in an already busy family.

Over time, this can leave siblings feeling invisible, unheard, or emotionally isolated, even in a loving home.

It’s important to remind siblings that their feelings matter too and that it’s safe for them to speak up, ask for support, and not have everything worked out. Just like any child, they deserve space to be vulnerable, seen, and supported for who they are, not only for the role they play as a sibling.

Creating space for all your children to feel seen, heard, and supported, no matter what their individual challenges are, can make a lasting difference. It shows them that love and care in your family is not limited or conditional. Every child deserves support in their own right, not only in relation to their sibling’s needs.

“Don’t ever compare your children out loud (even if you can’t help doing this in your head – talk about it confidentially to a counsellor, but never within earshot of your children). If one child has a problem, focus on them and their problem, don’t bring their sibling into the discussion. Don’t make them feel like their problem is a burden or “another” problem for you. Let them know that you love them unconditionally”. Adult Sibling

“I think growing up with someone ‘more disabled’ than you can lead to a lot of imposter syndrome because who are you to complain when your sibling has to deal with so much more?” Adult Sibling

“….how much effort our parents put into learning about my brother’s diagnosis as opposed to my condition” Adult sibling

Juggling need

We know that families often struggle to juggle time, energy, and emotional resources, especially when children have very different needs, behaviours, or diagnoses. Balancing everything can feel overwhelming.

Sometimes, this imbalance can lead to friction between your children. Differences in support needs, attention, or expectations can create tension whether siblings have similar diagnoses or very different ones.

Adult siblings have shared with us a key reflection:

“…. focus on finding resources to look after yourself, and acknowledge the importance of this, so you have more bandwidth for the sibling. And if this is not possible, find creative ways for the siblings needs to get met in other ways, eg. Clubs, NHS groups, school activities, charities etc. Because their need for emotional nourishment doesn’t just go away”.

How can you help?

All children need care, attention, and the chance to feel seen and siblings with their own needs or disabilities are no different.

Throughout our pages, you’ll find lots of suggestions and support ideas. However, if your sibling child has a learning disability, is neurodiverse, or has other health or developmental needs, you may need to adapt some of the advice to suit their individual abilities and ways of communicating.

Here are some things you can do:

• Giving attention – finding 15 minutes each day to focus on your sibling child will help them feel noticed and valued. Choose an activity that they enjoy but that you suggest. This might be a favourite TV programme to share together, a bedtime story or talking about what best 3 things were in both of your days. These small, regular check-ins can help build trust, reduce feelings of being overlooked, and strengthen your bond. See our advice on giving attention
• Getting support – If your sibling child has an appointment at school about needing extra help or about how they are doing at school, make sure that you can give your full time and attention. Ask the teacher lots of questions about their work at school and about what things you can do to help at home. Show interest in their effort not just their outcomes.  It’s important that your sibling child hears you talking about them with care and interest, just as they may hear you speak about their brother or sister. This helps them feel that they matter just as much and that their journey is equally important to you.
• Find help in navigating the system so that you can give enough time to locate the right support for both/all of your children. Whether that is some help with childcare so you can complete a DLA form or more formal support from social care to help you manage the daily care needs of your children.
• Your child may benefit from support for their needs as a sibling. A sibling support group, young carers service or pastoral support at school may be useful to explore.  Speak with your sibling child’s school about starting a sibling group.  There is information on our website: Getting help for a young sibling
• Recognising feelings – One of the most important things a parent can do is recognise their sibling child’s feelings especially if they are struggling or negative. See our advice on how to do this here: recognising feelings
• Take your siblings concerns as seriously as their brother or sister. Their difficulties may not appear to be as severe but are equally as important.  Research them as necessary and be able to share this information with your sibling child so they can understand their own needs or diagnosis.

A note on sibling rivalry

Siblings with similar or very different needs may struggle to get along or to understand each other’s experiences.  A disabled brother or sister may not understand that their sibling also needs care, support and attention.  Likewise, a sibling may feel overlooked or frustrated when they see their brother/sister receiving more visible support.  This might lead to tension between siblings, who both want attention.

• Have some rules about things that regularly cause squabbles. Sometimes there are times or activities that are always a source of conflict, for example how long someone can play on the swing. A child with a learning disability may find it easier to get off the swing when the timer bleeps after 15 minutes, rather than when their sibling tells them too. Create a family rule of taking turns on the swing – if someone else wants it you have to get off when the timer bleeps. Read more advice here about managing sibling rivalry.
• Avoid comparisons. Never praise siblings in comparison to their disabled brother or sister. This can either make the sibling feel under pressure to be better or to minimize their own challenges. Instead, talk with your children about their own individual talents and how they are developing their skills in these areas.
• Build on the positives. Try to find ways that your children can interact positively with each other (even if they are for the slightest moment!) Notice and reward it with your attention.