How to use discussion activities

Some discussion of feelings and situations will probably occur in any group specifically for siblings. However it is only by structuring this in as part of the group that you can be sure of covering a good range of issues and enabling all the siblings to participate.

Purpose

The aim is to acknowledge siblings’ unique experiences and feelings by providing an opportunity, away from the family:

To discuss their emotions and concerns in a supportive setting
To compare their experiences and feelings with others in a similar position
To explore the mixed emotions that many siblings feel about the special need sibling – guilt at feeling the normal sibling rivalry, jealousy of the extra attention, or different standards of behaviour expected of them, at the same time as love and caring
To acknowledge the important role of siblings within the family
And also to:
Improve ability to cope with difficult situations
Help to identify support networks

Many siblings report that they do not get much chance to discus these issues at home. This may be because of the lack of time parents can give to them, but also some parents feel they need to protect the sibling from the issues, and many siblings feel that they need to protect the parent from having to worry about them as well as the disabled child!

How to do it

Use one of the ideas from the activities sections which are designed to promote discussions in a fun way. Siblings are generally very quick to share as they recognise that they all have similar issues. They will also be used to similar activities at school.

The basic principles of encouraging a discussion of feelings are:

Acknowledge the feeling, get more information, don’t make assumptions. Often the best way is to answer with a question. Acknowledging the feeling does not necessarily mean agreeing with the action that follows it! It may be necessary to help them to set limits or find alternative ways of expressing their feelings.
Help to put words to the feelings – children are very “black & white” because they don’t know the words for the in-between feelings – if you get it wrong they will just correct you.
In a group you may want to ask the group if they feel the same sometimes.
Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know, but will find out.
Allow tears and anger to be expressed, be prepared for sudden changes of mood, as they will forget them quicker than adults. They won’t fall apart, feeling sad is normal.
Ask “open” questions, not leading or closed ones (“How did that make you feel”, not “Did that make you cross”). Children often give the answer they think you want. Helping them to find the right word is fine, as long as you don’t block their real meaning in the process – rephrasing afterwards to ask if that’s what they meant may clarify things.
Check you have understood the real question – classic example of child saying “Where did I come from” gets full explanation from parent, then says “Oh! My friend Johnny says he came from Leeds”.
Child Protection Policy – never promise to keep everything to yourself – can say “I’ll not talk about it unless it’s something that really needs to be passed on” – this applies to group as well as individual conversations. Best to avoid the word “secret”.

You may have more anxieties than the siblings!

Emotional literacy

The concept of “Emotional Literacy” may be useful:

To come to terms with your feelings you have to be able to understand them.
To do this you need to talk about them or at least to think about them.
To talk or think about feelings, you need a variety of words, and to know the subtleties of their meanings.
So a lot of the discussions will be about general feelings, in the context of having a special needs sibling.

What do I say when…?

One of the anxieties you may have about running discussions is that you won’t know how to respond to issues that are raised. Bear in mind the principles above, and think through how you would respond to some of the typical examples below.

When a sibling says:	Possible answers:
I hate my family/sibling	What sort of situations make you feel that way?
I'm no good at anything	We all feel that way sometimes Has someone been telling you that?What would you like to be good at?
My sibling is going to die soon	How much do you know about his condition?
I run away	Where do you go? How do you keep safe? What makes you do that?
I just hit him	You will need to acknowledge but set limits You feel angry/jealous Is it right? People get hurt Is there another way you could react?
Mum never has time for me/never does anything with me	What would you like to do if you had time with her?
I want to die	Explore if this is a response to some specific event, or a general feeling. How persistent is this and is child or young person at risk of taking action on this?

When to be concerned

Any child protection issues, persistent serious depression, signs of self harm, remaining isolated within the group. Be prepared to seek expert help if you are concerned.

Further information

Read the book “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, publisher Avon Books.

The following websites will give you further information:

Child development: www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development

Talking to children: www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids

Learning styles: www.fortnet.org/ParentToParent/PFellers/par_lern.html
or www.acei.org/multint9.htm

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