Dealing with guilt
Guilt is self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing; another definition is self directed anger or blame. For many adult siblings, guilt eats into their ability to enjoy themselves and get on with their lives. It is a useful emotion if you have actually done something wrong, but less useful when you haven’t. The type of quilt experienced by siblings is usually in relation to something they feel they ought to do or feel about their brother or sister. Feelings of guilt may have come from what they believe their parents and other adults have expected of them during childhood. It is absolutely normal for siblings of disabled people to have feelings of guilt.
Some of the things siblings feel guilty about:
- Not having the disability or illness when their brother or sister has (survivor’s guilt)
- That they can do things in life that their brother or sister will never be able to do
- That they have had uncaring thoughts about their brother or sister
- That they haven’t visited, or spent time with their brother or sister as much as they feel they should
- That they wish they didn’t have a disabled brother or sister
- That they have felt jealous of the amount of time a parent has spent with a brother or sister
- That they have resented the impact of their brother or sisters disability on their lives
There are a number of ways forward in dealing with it:
Acknowledge the feeling for what it is
Have you really done something wrong? Is this really a justifiable feeling or is it something like you used to feel as a child?
Acknowledge that certain things that have happened are not your fault.
If your guilty feelings cause you a lot of distress it may be helpful to have some sessions with a counsellor.
It may be anger turned on yourself when really you are angry at someone or something else e.g. angry at parent for lack of attention.
'I feel guilty that my sister grew up in an institution. I was not involved in that decision as I was a young child. It is not my fault that she had a hard time there.'
Take action
The feeling of guilt may be telling you that there is something you need to take some action on. The type of action you take will depend on the circumstances. For example, you may feel better if you simply make a decision to visit your sister twice times a month, rather than feeling that you should go every week but don’t actually do it. Put the dates in your diary.
Is there something you have been putting off and just need to go and do it?
'I have been intending to find a befriender for my brother for the last year and I’ve done nothing about it except feel guilty that he has no friends. I will spend 30 minutes on the internet on Wednesday night getting contact numbers for local services.'
Learn how to say no to requests from other people for small things first, so that you get more comfortable about saying ‘no’ to other people’s demands. When you practice this you will find that the world does not come to an end and people will respect your position.
Reframe how you view things
Recognise that other people’s expectations of how you should behave as a sibling are simply that - their expectations. How do you want to be as a sibling? What is realistic for you given that you have other commitments too?
Before you go to sleep think of 6 things that you have enjoyed or were pleased about during the day; this focus on positive aspects usually prevents negative feelings creeping in before sleep.
How can you think about this experience in a positive way?
'I used to feel guilty about being able to go skiing. Now I go and enjoy it and know that when I come back I will feel refreshed and energized and that my good mood will be good for people who are around me, including my disabled sister.Taking time to do things I enjoy will be better for everyone.'
'My brother would hate this; he wouldn’t like all the people and the noise. It’s a very good thing that he’s not here.'
Forgive yourself for things that are in the past and accept those things that simply can’t be changed. Just let go of things that you really don’t have any ability to change.
'I used to pretend that I didn’t have a brother and never mentioned him at school. I felt bad about this for years. That’s what I needed to do as a child. I don’t need to do it anymore. I don’t need to feel guilty about this. It’s just a way for a child to cope.'
Have a rule about not feeling guilty
Learn how to do things that are just for you and when you do, fully enjoy them and say that you will not feel guilty during this time.
You have a life that is about other people and other experiences that are not to do with your brother or sister. Allow yourself to see that these things are really important too, and it is OK to do things like give priority to your partner or your own children.
If you find guilty thoughts creeping in, tell them that they can come back out at a specific time in the day – perhaps when you can write them down in at a set time each day.
