Anger
Siblings are just like all other people – they get angry about things. Children express anger in different ways - some seethe silently inside whilst others have huge outbursts of rage. Children’s age and developmental stage has an impact on anger, with younger children tending to have less understanding of their own anger. Unmanaged anger causes stress and siblings often need to be taught how to manage it.
Triggers for anger
The following can be triggers for anger in siblings of disabled children.
- Conflict around belongings or space such as the other child interfering with their things or coming into their room all the time
- Being teased or bullied by the other child
- Being hit or hurt by the other child
- Being asked to do things they don’t want to do such as looking after the other child or helping with care tasks
- Not being able to do some things they want to do, such as going swimming as a family
- Being rejected or ignored by the other child, as often happens if the other child has autism
- Not getting attention from a parent when it is needed
These are things you can do to help a sibling manage his or her anger
Label feelings
Give labels to feelings when you are with your child. Use the words ‘Are you angry about that?’ Label feelings when you are talking about your own experiences. Rather than saying ‘the nurse was really nasty’, own your own feelings and say ‘I was angry because the nurse left us waiting for an hour’.
Acknowledge feelings of anger
Let siblings know it is OK to feel angry, that it is a normal and acceptable emotion. There is nothing wrong or shameful about it. What matters is how someone acts on it. See acknowledging feelings. Be very clear about what behaviour is not acceptable i.e. hitting someone else.
Help siblings identify the triggers for anger
This is best done some time after the sibling has been angry. During the period of feeling angry, which can go on for up to an hour, people are not able to think clearly. Later in the day or the following day, talk to the sibling about what set off the feelings of anger. What happened just before he or she felt angry? Is this something that happens at other times? Do not make any judgments of your child at this time otherwise the conversation will come to an end. You are getting the sibling to reflect on what happened so that he or she will recognize what is happening in a similar situation.
Help siblings identify the warning signs
Make a list of the warning signs of approaching anger, such as heart beating faster, clenching fists, getting hot, tense arms and legs..
Help siblings find ways to manage their anger
Get a notebook for the sibling to to write down or draw ways of dealing with anger. Here are some ideas to discuss together but help your child find what works best for him or her.
These can help siblings deal with anger once it has started:
Physical activity– having a run or a walk, thumping a cushion, playing a ball game, making shapes with playdough and pounding it, stamping feet in garden, big scribbling on a sheet of paper to scrunch up and put in the bin
Music – put on a loud CD (or with headphones) and listen to a song that matches the angry mood – maybe some rock music
Talk to someone about feeling angry – your parent, your pet, your friend, your cuddly toy! Write it in your diary.
Ask for help – ask a parent or friend to help you get calm again
Calming things – a soak in the bath and play with bath toys, soothing music, count backwards from 30, lie on your back on the floor and breathe slowly and deeply..
These can help prevent the anger when the sibling has recognised a trigger:
Count to 10 and breathe slowly and deeply
Go into another room
Tell a parent about it
Self talk – ‘I can handle this’ ‘I can stay calm’ ‘Stop and count to 10’ ‘Walk into the kitchen’
Role model managing your own anger
Take responsibility for your own anger and develop strategies for yourself in managing it. Talk to your child about how you manage your anger and what techniques you have.
