When a sibling gets hurt
Regardless of the cause of challenging behaviour, when a sibling is hurt by another child it still hurts, it can be scary, and it feels wrong to the sibling. Siblings need their parents to respond appropriately when they are hurt and to take action to prevent them being hurt.
There are 3 main approaches for you to take, and in most families a combination of all three will be needed.
1. Respond after a sibling has got hurt
Acknowledge that what has happened hurts, that it is wrong that it has happened to them and that it is not their fault. Do not say that their brother or sister can’t help it because it does not make the sibling feel supported
Give your first response to the sibling in whatever way you can – verbally or physically, and do this immediately
Provide safety – make sure the sibling is not at risk for being hurt further (as well as making sure your disabled child is safe)
Provide care – check if any first aid, pain relief or medical attention is needed
Provide physical comfort – cuddle, wipe tears, hold hand
Provide verbal comfort – say you are sorry they are hurt, that it must have been painful, frightening, upsetting...
Then give your disabled child a clear message verbally that what they have done is wrong – if your child has a learning disability this may not make a difference to his/her behaviour but it is important for the sibling to hear you say this.
Afterwards make it clear that what happened earlier was wrong and that it is not OK for any of the children to hurt each other. Explain what you are doing to change the situation and to protect the sibling from it
2. Take action to protect the sibling from being hurt
What things can you do to limit the number of situations in which a sibling can get hurt or frightened? These are some examples of things that other families have done:
Teach the sibling about when to recognise the approaching signs of aggressive behaviour and what they need to do - things like going into another room, getting an adult to help calm the disabled child, avoiding interactions that may provoke the aggression....
Have an emergency plan for times when aggressive behaviour gets out of your control and both you and the sibling are at risk of getting hurt – having a list of numbers for a family member to call to ask for help – duty social worker, neighbour, police… Discuss with the sibling what they need to do should these circumstances arise. Make sure they know exactly what they are supposed to do.
Can the disabled child go out to a club or spend time with a befriender or have respite?
Can the sibling have some times in the week going to a friend’s house or to a club?
Use direct payments for a carer to look after either the sibling or the disabled child for a few hours after school or at the weekend, or to take the sibling out of the house if the other child is becoming aggressive
Has the family reached the point where a residential placement needs to be considered for a child with persistent violent behaviour?
3. Work on improving the behaviour of the disabled child
If your disabled child goes to a special school or gets specialsit help with behaviour in mainstream school, ask staff to teach you techniques on managing behaviour at home
Ask for your disabled child to be referred to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Team or to a clinical psychologist
Explore all options for improving behaviour – behaviour modification, medication, diet, amount of stimulation...
The Challenging Behaviour Foundation has a fact sheet that you may find useful and has information on managing challenging behaviour www.thecbf.org.uk
Let siblings know about any improvements there have been so they are able to see the progress – this will help them have a sense of control
