Feelings experienced by siblings

Here are some of the feelings experienced by siblings as a result of growing up with a brother or sister with a disability or chronic illness, and some examples of situations where they arise. Some feelings are often viewed as being more “positive” than others e.g. love. However siblings should be encouraged to express all of their feelings, or the feelings may intensify; e.g. unexpressed embarrassment may lead to guilt and then shame.

Love
The majority of siblings experience a very strong emotional bond with their brother/sister.
When caring and protective towards brother/sister.

Pride
When a brother/sister achieves or learns something.
In their parents’ ability to cope.

Happiness
When having fun with their brother/sister.
When brother/sister gets well again.

Loyalty
When talking about the family to others.
When the disabled child is being picked on at school.

Understanding
When meeting other disabled people

Anger
When siblings feel ignored and unappreciated at home.
When a brother or sister hurts a sibling or parent, or damages belongings.
When they see their brother/sister being bullied.

Frustration
When a brother or sister cannot communicate or follow rules in a game.

Jealousy
When siblings perceive their brother/sister gets more time and attention from a parent, from the parents’ friends or from professionals.
When seeing other families do things that their family can't do

Guilt
As a result of having negative feelings towards their brother/sister.
When a sibling compares what they can do and what their brother/sister cannot.

Fear
When a brother or sister hurts a sibling or parent.
When a brother or sister is undergoing major surgery or has a life limiting condition.
When parents become overwhelmed and express their own frustrations and anxieties.
When they know something is wrong but are not told enough to understand.

Anxiety
About explaining at school why homework has been damaged.
About the possibility having a child of their own who is ill or disabled.
About getting the disability themselves.
About who will care for the disabled child when parents are too old/die.
About how the parents are coping with the pressure.

Pressure
When a sibling is expected to compensate academically or in sport or another area, for what a brother/sister cannot do.
When the sibling is expected to behave perfectly so as not to add to the parent’s pressure.
When a sibling has to undertake care tasks.

Resentment
When family activities are curtailed.
When discipline, attention, and parental expectations are different – ‘Its not fair’.
When sibling caring tasks go unrecognised.

Embarrassment
When their brother/sister displays obsessive or aggressive behaviours.
When others stare at their brother/sister.
When they are questioned about their brother or sister – “What’s wrong with them”.

Grief
When thinking about the person that their brother or sister could have been and the life they may have led were they not disabled.
Loss of or expected loss of brother/sister.

Lonely/misfit
When sibling feels like the ‘only one’ with a brother/sister with a disability.
When a sibling doesn’t get to spend time with family and peers.
When other children don’t understand what it’s like.
When unable to go to friends’ homes or to clubs.
When feeling unable to bring friends home.
When being bullied.

Confused
About role as sibling and ‘surrogate’ parent.
About the disability or illness and why their brother/sister behaves the way they do

Unimportant/unloved/inadequate
When the attention is on the disabled child.
When being overlooked.