Communicating with parents

Many siblings find it hard to talk to their parents about sibling issues. Some families find it hard to communicate openly about topics that are emotive or uncomfortable to deal with. However, many adult siblings reach a stage they want to share their experiences of being a sibling with their parent or want to talk about the future care of their brother or sister. How you communicate about these issues will depend on the relationship you currently have and how easy it has been to talk about issues in the past.

Sharing your experiences with parents

Remind yourself that even though your parent may not talk about things much, he or she will have a lot of similar experiences and feelings as you do - worry about the future, concern about your brother or sister's heatlh, feeling that he or she did not give you enough attention as a child, a loss of 'normal' family life, feeling proud of you and your disabled brother or sister, frustration about lack of services, wanting to have a stronger parent-sibling relationship....Finding common ground is the basis for all good communication and relationship building, so it can help to share what you have in common.

'I find frustrating that there is no respite available for Sally, is that frustrating for you too?'
'I would have liked more time with you when I was younger - would you have liked to have had more time for us to do things together?'

Acknowledge that your parent has done a good job with limited resources - finances, practical help, emotional support..

'You have done a great job in taking care of Alex all these years without as much help as you needed.'

Use your current experiences of work, relationships, children, things you have read about, the experiences of friends, etc to encourage your parent to talk about sibling related issues.

'My friend Jo has just found out her little boy has cerebral palsy. She's very distressed. What was it like for you and dad when you found out about Laura's disability?'
'I saw a programme last week about children at a hospice where they have a group for siblings to share their feelings with each other. It reminded me about finding it very hard that I had to stay with Grandma when James was in hospital and not having anyone to talk to. Do you think a sibling group would have been helpful for me when I was younger?'

It is important to say that you are not blaming your parents for how they handled things, but that you want to understand more about some of the feelings and experiences you had as a child.

Some parents will not be able to listen to what you are saying - either because they are distracted by things around them, because it is too uncomfortable for them, or they are poor at listening generally. For some parents, a useful way to communicate your experiences and feelings is through writing them down for your parent to read. You could prepare something to share with other adult siblings on the Sibs website about your experience of being a sibling, and ask your parent to read and share their thoughts about it with you. When parents of young siblings read their experiences of attending a sibling group, they say that it has a much greater impact than just hearing their children talk about it.

Talking about the future

There usually comes a time when you have to bring up the topic of future care with your parent - either becuase it has been on your mind for some time, or because circumstances make it essential - one parent's death or illness, or your parent is no longer able to provide proper care for your brother or sister.

There are different approaches to raising the topic depending on your parent and the current situation:

Some parents just need to be made more aware that things are not as easy as they used to be. You can ask how he or she find things now, compared to this time last year, and give positive acknowledgement for things that are still OK. Talk about possible short term options for things that have become harder, before looking at the longer term.

Many parents and their disabled adult children will be very dependent on one another for companionship, a purpose in life, and for practical and emotional support. You can gently acknowledge this with a parent, talking about the how this has been beneficial for both, and about some of the downsides of this.

Some parents may have refused all offers of help with care from people outside of the immediate family. If you can encourage them to take on a little bit of extra help now, this may make them more open to other services in the future.

You may need to motivate your parent to make other plans for care, such as:

• It will be easier for your brother or sister if they do not have to deal with bereavement as well as a change in accommodation.
  
• Your parent can feel reassured that their son or daughter is settled into a new routine before he or she (parent) dies.
  
• Your parent can have significant input into your brother or sister's future if planning is done now.
  
• Your brother or sister will find things easier is change is gradual (getting some help from other sources), than if change is sudden. 
  
• Your parent will be able to sleep better at night knowing that things that there is a plan in place.

Other parents are motivated when they can see that planning ahead has made a big difference to another family in a similar situation. Do you know another older parent of a disabled person could encourage your parent to make plans? Advice given by peers in the same situation can be very influential.

Explain to your parent that planning ahead if fairer to everyone concerned including siblings; it is better that siblings agree to the level of responsibility they take for future care, rahter than assumptions being made about what they will do.