Bereavement issues for adult siblings
You may have experienced the loss of your disabled brother or sister, either during your childhood or as an adult. Whatever your age at the time, your loss is real and significant. Even if you were a tiny infant, the death of your brother or sister will have had a major impact on your family and indeed your whole life.
Issues around sibling bereavement in childhood
Your parents' own grief may have meant they were unable to support you with your own grief. You may not have had any support from either family or professionals.
Your parents may not have talked to you about your brother or sister when you wanted to know more about the illness, the death, or to share memories.
You may have misunderstood the cause of death and felt guiltly that you were in some way responsible for it.
You may have felt guilty about things that you did or didn't do with your brother or sister.
You may not have had an opportunity to say goodbye in the way you would have liked.
You may feel that you also lost the family life you knew before your brother or sister's death. Some families become very dysfunctional after a child's death. The relationship you had with your parents may have changed. For siblings of terminally ill children, this may have happened some time before the child's death.
Some siblings find the the original bereavment of their brother or sister is intensified or relived following the death of another relative, friend or pet, and that their reaction to a subsequent death is, in their view, out of proportion to the loss. This is a frequent experience for siblings who have not had the opportunity to grieve openly for their brother or sister.
Childhood sibling loss can affect how adult siblings raise their own children, for example experiencing fear when their own child reaches the age their brother or sister was when he or she died.
If your parents have not been able to talk about your brother or sister, it may still be difficult to get them to share important information with you such as about the illness or condition.
Issues around sibling bereavement in adulthood
You may be supporting parent's with their grief and not had the space to grieve yourself.
You may now have to help your parent find a new purpose in life, if all of their energy and purpose was around looking after your brother or sister. You may be very concerned about how they will cope and if he or she will be motivated to look after themselves properly.
You may feel guilty about how things like - how much time you have spent with your brother or sister, having felt resentful about care tasks, feeling relieved that you will not have to care in the future, having survived...
You may feel very angry that services or treatments were not available for your borther or sister, or that he or she was treated with less dignity than others in hospital.
You may be the only sibling left in the family and begin to question your own mortality.
You may feel that a big part of your identify is missing.
Getting bereavement support
Sibling bereavement support is available from The Compassionate Friends.
Visit www.tcfsiblingsupport.org.uk This website is for any bereaved adult siblings.
You can also get bereavment support through their Helpline Tel 08451 23 23 04. The helpline is answered by a bereaved parent who will refer you to one of the TCT Sibling Contacts, who are all bereaved adult siblings themselves.
Books on sibling bereavement
White, P,G.(2006)
Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother
iUniverse
Farrant, A (1998)
Sibling Bereavement: Helping children cope with loss
Cassell)
(Adult siblings share their experiences of sibling loss in childhood)
Fanos, J.(1996)
Sibling Loss
Lawrence Erlbaum Associates
(The issues facing siblings of children who have died following a chronic illness)
